


Letters to Bucky

by adlersangels



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Best Friends, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: The First Avenger, F/M, Fluff, Love, Love Letters, Marvel Universe, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Swing Dancing, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4365662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adlersangels/pseuds/adlersangels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chance meeting turns to something more when Elizabeth Collins runs into her old friend James "Bucky" Barnes while out shopping. After agreeing to going on a date, Bucky and Lizzy start to fall for each other. Slowly but surely, the two end up falling in love, and after a short five months of dating, Bucky proposes, just before leaving for the war. While he is away, the two send letters constantly, until one day, her world turns upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And I am an IDIOT AND ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE ENTIRE WORK AND IM SO SAD BECAUSE I WAS DOING SO WELL WITH MY NUMBERS  
> THANK GOD AO3 SENDS A COPY OF THE FIC TO UR EMAIL AFTER YIU DELETE BC WIWIE I STILL HAVE IT ALL ANS HAVE TO REPOST YAY IM ACTUALLY CRUIG. GOODBYE

_ October 11th, 1941 _

~

I walk quickly down the street, avoiding eye contact with everyone that passes me. The cool October wind sends chills through me, so I pull my coat tighter around me. I reach the market and hurry in, going quickly to the produce. I pick up a few apples and oranges, then head over to grab some milk and bread. I checkout and leave the store, walking back the way I came. The seven-block walk home seems longer than the walk there. As I walk, a man bumps shoulders with me, making me trip.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry miss!" I hear a man apologize quickly.

"Oh, it's quite alright. Please don't be sorry." I turn around to see the man, and find a familiar face.

"Alright, well, have a nice day!" He smiles charmingly at me, then turns to walk away.

"Um, excuse me," I say before he can get to far, "You look very familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Well, you might," he laughs, "The names James Barnes. Or Bucky, for short." He smiles wider.

"Bucky Barnes?" I gasp, my hand flies over my mouth.

"Yes, I believe so." He chuckles more nervously.

"It's me, Elziabeth Collins. You, Steve and I used to be friends many years ago." I smile at him, pulling my scarf away from my face.

"Elizabeth Collins," He looks away for a moment, lost in thought, "I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound familiar. I am truly sorry." he shrugs.

"Bucky, we were best friends," I take my scarf all the way off, letting my blond hair fall to my chest, "We did everything together. Remember third grade, or helping Steve with the bullies, or playing adventure in my front yard?"

He just shakes his head. There is no smile on his face, that was gone a while ago.He looked somewhat confused now.

"My God," I breathe, "My going away party. I was almost sixteen, and we-"

"Elizabeth- oh, Elizabeth! Lizzy Collins! No way, you're really back." His eyes widen, a smile forming on his face again.

"Took you long enough," I laugh, "And yes, I am back. I told you I was coming back!"

"Yeah, I just forgot. You know, our last letter was about a year and a half ago. How've you been?''

"I'm doing really well, a bit busy. But otherwise I'm really well. How about you? What have you and Steve been up to?" I relax my smile a bit.

"I'm good, as well as Steve," he holds his arm out and I gladly take it, "We've been very good." We start to wall down the street, going no where in particular.

"You two have been keeping out of trouble since I left?" I raise a brow.

"Oh, I wouldn't say keeping out. More like getting in trouble." He laughs.

"Oh, you two were always trouble makers," I giggle, "But Steve was- well, he wasn't very much."

"Yes, well, he's gotten better with things, though he still is on the smaller side. He's still having a bit of trouble with the asthma as well." He nods, staring at the sidewalk ahead.

"And what have you been doing with your life, if I may ask?" I look over at him, an eyebrow raised.

"I'm actually planning on enlisting in the army soon," he looks over at me, a straight look on his face, "I just want to get out there on the field, in battle. I want to fight for is country and win this war. I want to make something of myself, you know?"

"I do, and I think you enlisting is a truly good thing. It encourages others to enlist as well. Is Steve planning to join as well?"

"He wants to, but with the asthma, it makes him unable to join. He really wants to, though." Bucky shakes his head in a sad sort of way.

"That's a shame," I look away, "Well, I must go home now. Groceries and all. Have a nice day Bucky!" I let go and smile, then turn and start to walk away.

"Oh, hey Lizzy!" I hear him call after me.

"Yeah?" I turn around and find running to me.

"Would you, uh- maybe sometime, if you're not busy or, if you're available maybe you would like to go dancing sometime?" He smiles charmingly once again, as well as raising a brow. He always used to do that, and every time he did, I would try not to stare. Sometimes he would get suspicious if I was caught staring, but I was careful not to get caught.

"Well since you asked so nicely, I guess I have no choice but to say yes." I giggle.

"Great, um, would tomorrow night around seven be good? Or if not, we could try Saturday- unless your busy this week. Then we could try next weekend, or whenever-"

"Bucky," I stop him, "Friday night is perfect. Pick me up at six at my house, just two blocks from your old one. Do you remember?" I raise a brow, a smile creeping onto my face.

"Of course I do!" he chuckles, "Of course I remember. I never seemed to forget, actually." he scratches the back of his head, staring at the ground a little. He then looks up and his icy blue eyes meet mine. I feel my heart flutter a little, and my face start to go warm.

"Great, see you tomorrow night. Have a nice day Bucky!" I wave. He waves back and nods, then turns and walks on. I turn away as well and start the long trudge home. I remember walking these streets with both the boys in my younger years. All of us were young, and we would walk to school together. That's how we all became friends, actually. These two older boys were bullying Steve on the way to school one day and Bucky, and I stepped up and helped him. Ever since that day, we were inseparable.

Then I was 15,almost 16, and my dad wanted to move us to Ohio, to be closer to his sick father.The night before I left, I snuck out to meet Bucky and Steve. We met up at Steve's place, since his mom had passed away a few months before. He was all alone, but for some reason he felt he could handle himself, even though Bucky offered his place all the time.

_My heels clicked up the stairs as I made my way up to his apartment. Before I could knock a second time, the door was open, and there stood my two best friends._

_"Lizzy!" Steve pulled me into the room and slammed the door shut. Suddenly both boys were hugging me from either side. I couldn't help but laugh as the kept squeezing me tighter. I then felt a warm tear trickle down my cheek._

_"Oh, look what you boys have done, you've made me cry!" I laugh, wiping it away, "You two should be ashamed!"_

_"Oh, just wait to see what we have in store for you tonight!" Steve lets go and walks into the kitchen._

_"I'm tellin' ya Lizzy, you're not going to want to leave after this. We're going to have so much fun, you'll never want to leave." Bucky lets go as well and steps back, smiling at me._

_"Well, while you two are be all crazy and whatnot, I'm going to the powder room. I'll be just a minute." I say as I walk towards the bathroom. I go in and wipe the remainder of the tears from my face. Outside the door I can hear the two bustling around. They're moving things around and setting things down. By the time I come out, the room has been transformed._

_"What have you two done?" I throw my hand over my mouth, gasping as well._

_"We thought that before you left, we could have a little going away party, and maybe convince you to not go. You know, its worth a shot." Steve shrugs, gesturing to the scene in front of us._

_There's a platter of fruit on the coffee table, as well as a few cups of coffee. The radio is on as well, and tunes come flowing out of it. Some of the furniture has been moved and now the floor is more open, I'm guessing for dancing._

_"My God, where did you get these from? " I ask in awe._

_"We know a few people, and we put or rations together. I know it's not much, but we just want you to have the best going away party ever." Bucky grins ear to ear._

_"You two are something else, I swear." I laugh a little, walking over to the table. I pick up an apple slice and pop it in my mouth, savoring the sweet, juicy slice._

_"So, why don't we get this party started?" Steve smiles, turning up the radio._

_"As long as I'm home by three." I laugh. The music gets louder, and we move to the middle of the room, laughing and dancing. In that moment, no one else exists. It's just Steve, Bucky and I. We're best friends having a simple little going away party._

_Looking around, it doesn't seem like a going away party, though. It's more like a get together. We dance and laugh for a couple hours, the we stop and fall to the floor. We lay there, staring at the ceiling. Then Steve gets up and goes into the kitchen. He then comes back out with a cake. A freaking cake._

_"Steve," I gasp, "you shouldn't have. Oh my God." I smile and tear up as the little thing is placed between the three of us. We all sit up and grab the coffee and fruit off the table and place it between._

_"Lizzy, would you care to do grace?" Bucky looks over. "It would be my honor." I smile and we join hands. "Bless us, O Lord, for this food we are about to receive from your bounty-"_

_"Please take care of Lizzy when she leaves us tomorrow, as well. We've been together so long, and now it's hard to believe she's leaving us." Steve cuts me off adding in his own part._

_"We love her so much, and its heart breaking that our best friend has to go. If there is anything that you can do to keep her from going, well it is greatly appreciated." Bucky throws in his own as well._

_"Through Christ, our Lord, amen." I finish. I look up and find the boys smiling at me, "Alright boys, dig in!"_

_"Don't have to tell me twice!" Steve claps his hands together and cuts into the cake.I look over at Bucky and find him staring at me, a small smirk forming on his face. I smile back ans feel my face heat up. I've always had a crush on Bucky ever since I was eight. We all in the third grade, and it was the first day. I look over at the person sitting next to me and saw the cutest boy I had ever seen. He was just a couple inches taller than me, with short brown hair. I introduced myself and since that day, we've been best friends. Steve came into the picture later that year. It's always one of my favorite memories._

_"Hey guys," I look between the two, "Can we make a promise?"_

_"Sure." They say in unison._

_"To always be friends?" I raise a brow._

_"To always be friends!" They laugh, nodding at me. Next thing we know, it's three in the morning, and I need to be home. So Bucky walks me home, leaving Steve to clean up the little mess._

_"So.." He starts. "So.." I raise a brow, look at his sideways. "You're really leaving. Wow, it's hard to believe." He shakes his head._

_"Yeah, I know. I can't believe we're being split up. But of course, you know I don't want to leave. I don't even know my grandfather. I've never met him. Apparently he's some moody old man who hates everyone but himself."_

_"Wow, he sounds like a hoot." He stifles a laugh. "Yeah. But you know that I am going to come back the minute the man croaks." I giggle, getting closer to him._

_"Yeah, you better," he puts his arm around me, "or else I'll show up to Ohio and drag you back here."_

_"I wouldn't doubt it," I laugh, "but seriously Bucky, I really am going to come back, I promise you that."_

_"Well, I'll be waiting right here when you do." We walk up to my window the back. Him and I stand there for a moment, looking into each others eyes. "Thank you Bucky, thank you so much. You have really been best part of my childhood." I hug him tight._

_"Awe, well, it wasn't all me. Steve helped out too," he laughs quietly, hugging me tighter, "but you're welcome. Thank you for being, well, you. I'll miss you Lizzy. I'll miss you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave.."_

_"You both will be just fine, don't worry. I'll write as often as I can, and I expect both of you to as well. I don't want to miss a single thing that goes on." I let a tear fall to my cheek. We let go and I climb up to my window._

_Before I climb in, I look back down one last time. Bucky is still standing there, staring up at me. I smile and wave at him. He does the same. I then climb in and sleep for the last time in New York._

Looking back know, I realize now that I should have said something to him that night. Maybe I should have told him I liked him. That I didn't want to leave because of him, and that if I had never met him, I would have left without promising to come back. I would have went to Ohio with no regrets and I would have never came back to New York. I would have moved to California to pursue my dream of becoming an actress or a singer. But I did. I turned everything down just to come back to them, to rekindle our friendship, and catch up on all the drama I missed while I was gone. It's going to take a while for everything to fall in together, but I'm slowly hoping everything will be almost the same.

_ October 12th, 1941  _

~

I quickly get ready and head down to the living room to clean up. My fathers' useless now. Ever since my mother passed away a few years ago, he's nothing but a jerk. Always expecting me to do all the house work. I bet he doesn't even know that I'm going out tonight, not that it matters. I'll have to put something in the oven for him so he doesn't complain when I get home.

Six o'clock comes around in no time, and James is here on time. I pause a minute before I open the door, just to make sure I'm ready. I then swing open the door and find him smiling at me.

"Good evening miss," he winks, "Ready for tonight?"

"Good evening," I smile at him, then grab my coat and purse, "Shall we go?"

He smiles and holds out his arm to me. I gladly take it, closing the door behind me. We walk down the sidewalk and to wherever Bucky is planning on taking me. He won't tell me where we're going, only because he loves surprises.

"So, what was it like in Ohio?" Bucky asks out of nowhere.

"Hm. It was an interesting place, I'll start with that," I look down at my feet for a moment, "There were a lot more homeless people out there, or people who lived in shacks and worked all day planting or harvesting crops. It was a terrible sight."

"It sounds like it," he sighs, "But I guess the good thing is that we're kind of out of it now. The war takes peoples minds off of it."

"Yes, that's very true. But I'll never be able to get those images out of my head. Dirty children, sick, some even dying. I would cry myself to sleep some nights because it was so heartbreaking. This was all going on outside my door, and there was barely a thing I could do. Most nights after supper, I would go around the neighborhood and hand out food to all my neighbors that needed it," I stare at the sky, thinking of that time, "And then this war stared up, and people completely forgot about everything that's been going on around them. They want to get out of here, to travel the world and go to a new country or to fight because those German's are just terrible people. I don't blame them. The Nazi's are the terrible one's, but I can't help but think of the other's that are getting terrorized by them. It's just too awful to think about."

"I understand exactly what you're saying," he starts when I finish, "It's terrible some of the thing's I saw on the street's here. Whole families living out of boxes, on the side of the road, or in the back alley's. They just look up at you with their sad eyes, and it make's your body shiver. Then like you said, this war started up, and every able-bodied man wanted to sign up. They forgot about everything that was going on."

"It's a terrible thing, this war," I sigh, then look over at him, "You said you were going to sign up?"

"I am, yeah. It's not going to be for a while, but I am going to." he looks over and nods. "Are you nervous at all?" I raise a brow.

"Very nervous, actually. I'm able-bodied, so they're not going to deny me. I just- I worry about Steve a little. And now you, you're back! Now I have to worry about you too!" He looks between me and the sidewalk ahead, "And with Steve- he- he can't do all the things he wants to or thinks he can. I respect him though, for not running away and cowering. I really respect that about him."

"Sounds like it. But Bucky, you don't have to worry about us, we'll be just fine," We slow down in front of an old apartment building, "I mean, I've been back for almost two months now, and I still haven't seen-" I stop as I take in the sight. Steve's building right in front of me. I almost forgot what it looked like. Suddenly a man walks out and stands on the stairs, waving at us. I can't believe it, "-Steve!" I breathe.

"Come on," I look over and find Bucky smiling at me, "He doesn't know yet, though. Just act normal."

"Alright," I smile and we start walking, "I can do just that." We walk up the couple flights of stairs and meet Steve by his door. He's a little taller, and a little less lanky, but he's still the same Steve that I love and remember.

"Hey Bucky," Steve nods and smiles at him, "Ma'am." he smiles at me.

"Hey Steve," Bucky lets go of my arm and walks over to him, shaking his hand, "I hope you don't mind that I brought company with me."

"No, I don't mind at all," he smiles and walks over to me, "Steve Rogers, and you are?" I look quickly look at Bucky, who just smiles and nods just as quick as me.

"Elizabeth Collins," I smile and move a little closer to him.

"Nice to meet yo-" he stops, the smile wiping off his face. He looks me over then, in a split second, then meets my eyes and genuinely smiles at me. "Lizzy! Oh my Gosh, how are you?" he walks over and we hug, laughing a little.

"I'm actually really good Steve! How are you?" We let go and back up a little, meeting each other's eyes.

"I'm really great. Been a little busy-"

"Trying to get in the army." Bucky interjects.

"Well, yes. Trying to enlist." Steve looks over at him, an annoyed sound in his voice, "But otherwise, I'm not the busiest man in the world at the moment."

"Well, it sounds like you boys have been quite busy since I left. Hope neither of you got into to much trouble," I wink at them and smile, shaking my head, "Why don't we move this inside?"

The two nod and Steve walks to the door, opening it for me. I walk in and the two walk in behind me. Bucky takes my coat as Steve grabs my purse, setting it over by the chair. He then hurries into the kitchen and I hear the oven open, then close. A new smell escapes from the kitchen, and my eyes widen.

"Is that homemade bread?" I ask.

"To go along with the homemade chicken soup!" Steve's head pops out from around the corner, and smiles at me.

"He kinda learned how to cook while you were gone." Bucky chuckles a little, standing behind me.

"It smells amazing!" I laugh.

"I do come here a lot, so he's always making something to eat. I am a growing man!" He puffs his chest out a little, putting his fists on his hips. I laugh and lightly slap his arm, snapping him form his moment. He turns to me and smiles, a sort of glint in his eyes. I've always found his eyes interesting. They're the most beautiful shade of blue I have possibly ever seen, and for a while, I forgot what color they were.

I remember after I moved, I was sad for a while. Well, maybe a while wasn't the word. For the first two years of living there, I became a troublesome child. I would always sneak out with my girlfriends, get in trouble with the police. I would talk to them about New York and of Bucky and how in love I was with him. I would say he was strong, and brave, and courageous, and kind-hearted. Something not every man had. Soon other boys came into my life, and I almost completely forgot about him. I only remembered him when I was out with an old boyfriend. That's when I knew I wanted him, that I loved him. But that chance to tell him had come and gone. And I was sad.

"Lizzy?" I hear my name,and snap out of my trance. I turn my attention to the voice, and find both Steve and Bucky staring at me. They have a scared and somewhat confused look on their faces.

"Are you alright?" Bucky asks.

"Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm okay." I smile and walk past them into the kitchen, sitting myself down at the table. They come by a moment later and start setting up the table. In two minutes, all the food was sitting in front of us, including the fresh baked bread and some soup. We say grace and start digging in. We all laugh and joke about old and new things. Half an hour finally goes by, and we're still not done eating.

After we finish up, I help Steve take care of dishes. "So Lizzy, how was Ohio?" Steve questions.

"Honestly, boring. I mean, I made friends, but it wasn't as great as this place. I always thought of New York while I was there, and I believe I annoyed all my new friends talking about it so much. Frankly, I didn't care." I smile, glancing over at him.

"I bet," he nods, "I bet a new place would get boring, especially when your old friends weren't there to explore with you."

"Trust me, it was. After my grandfather passed, my dad decided to stay. He was not planning on coming back here, that is, until my mom passed. Then he got really depressed, and finally decided to come back."

"I'm sorry," I hear Bucky say from behind me, "About your mom. She was a great woman."

"Thank you," I nod, "But the past is the past, and what's the point of trying to dwindle on it?"

"Yeah," he says quieter, "No real point." Steve and I finish up the dishes and walk into the living room, standing around. "I have an idea!" he jumps up and runs to the door, "Follow me!" Bucky and I look at each other for a moment before running out and following him up a few flights of stairs.

We reach the top of the building and stop in our tracks. The sun is just starting to set, and boy, is it gorgeous. Granted there are a few buildings in the way, but what we can see is still something else. Buck and I walk over and stand beside Steve, staring at the sight.

"This is beautiful," I murmur, "Absolutely breathtaking."

"You could say that again." Bucky agrees. As the sun sets, I turn and look at the boys. I first see two young kids, smiling and laughing, forgetting about the current situation. Flash forward and to two teenagers, flirting with girls galore. Then now, here are two men. Both grown and starting lives. I see Bucky staring , and I smile at him. He walks over and stands by me, sliding his arm around my shoulder. I lean in and smile, staring off into the distance. I can hear people yelling, cars rumbling by, and the faint whistle of a train, but none of that matters. I have my boys back.

My favorite in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

_ March 15th, 1942  _

~

"Hey Bucky, have you talked to Steve lately?" I call from the kitchen sink.

"Yeah, I talked to him a few hours ago, actually. He's coming with us to the World Exposition of Tomorrow. But.." he walks in and leans against the counter next to me.

"But what?" I raise a brow, not looking up from the dishes.

"I sort of got him a date," he starts, "And he sort of agreed."

"James!" I stop what I'm doing and drop the dishes in the sink, looking over at him, "You know you shouldn't meddle in other people's love life!" I put my hands on my hips, resting on one leg.

"I know!" he looks away, "But I didn't want him to be alone on Thursday while we go together."

"James Buchanan Barnes," I walk over to him, my hands still on my hips. I never call him by his full name, never. So this is something that surprises him. "You know how much I love you, don't you?"

He looks up and smiles at me, a hint of a smirk there. We've been dating for a while now, and it'd been the happiest of my life. We've gone through so much together already, and this just adds to it. I don't know if I've ever been happier.

"But," I raise a brow, "You know Steve doesn't really date. He wants to go to war with you." Bucky looks happy for a moment, then fear crosses his face. That's right. He was leaving to head overseas on Friday with thousands of other men. Something I've been dreading for the past few months, and something he's been looking forward to for the last few months. Both Steve and I are nervous for him, but we also know he's very strong.

"Don't remind me," he sighs, wrapping his arms around my waist, "I don't want to get to ahead of myself. I have a few more days left with you, and I want to enjoy them to the fullest, and that is why I have a few things planned Thursday before I leave."

"I'm going to be the one without you," I pout, "Steve and I are going to be lost without you."

"You'll be fine," he smiles, planting a kiss on my cheek, "He'll take care of you. I'll make sure of it."

"Oh, I know." I lean into him more than I already am. We stand in the silence for a while, not moving, not talking. Only listening to each others breath. His is slow and steady, somewhat calming. I treasure moments like this, because they almost never last. I've learned to hold onto these, because there will come a time when I can't remember what it feels like. To see him, to feel him, to touch him. To know that he's there and that I'm safe. One day it will be gone, and knowing that I could forget it absolutely scares me. I hate thinking about a world without Bucky.

Suddenly he shifts away and stands in front of me, hands still on my waist. "I love you, Lizzy." he whispers, smiling down at me. "I love you more." I lean up and plant a slow kiss on his lips. He smiles and leans into the kiss. I can feel my cheeks get hot as his hands clasp together at the small of my back. Ever so suddenly he lets go and runs into the other room. I gear him rifling through something, most likely our records. They mainly consist of Frank Sinatra, with some Bing Crosby, Glenn Miller, and Benny Goodman. Him and I loved to listen to music. We do every chance we get. Soon Frank fills the room, singing one of our favorites.

_"This love of mine goes on and on_

_Though life is empty since you have gone_

_You're always on my mind though out of sight_

_It's lonesome through the day, and oh, the night_

_I cry my heart out, it's bound to break_

_Since nothing matters, let it break_

_I ask the sun and the moon, the stars that shine_

_What's to become of it, this love of mine?"_

Our bodies movie together in rhythm around the room. Our fingers intertwine, my head resting on his shoulder. Its not too fast of a tempo, and it sets the mood just right. I love times when we dance around the apartment. Sometimes we bother the neighbors, other times we open the doors and windows, along with the other neighbors, and listen to it while we all clean, or while the children play, or even when the sun sets and we just sit of the roof and watch it.

" _I cry my heart out, it's bound to break_

_Since nothing matters, let it break_

_I ask the sun and the moon, the stars that shine_

_What's to become of it, this love of mine?_

_This love of mine goes on.."_

The song ends but we continue to dance to the silence. It's nice. I love it.

_ March 19th, 1942  _

~

"You look so handsome in your uniform," I giggle, "Almost perfect.."

"Oh," his cheeks go red, and he leans over and kisses my cheek, "Stop making me blush."

"Never," I laugh, fixing his tie, "It's my job to make you blush. We're a couple, and couples are supposed to be cute like this."

"Well, then if they do cute stuff like that, I guess our next stop is lunch." he walks over to the mirror in the living groom, fixing his uniform.

"Lunch?" I raise a brow and walk behind him.

"Yes!" he turns around, a goofy smile plastered over his face, "Go put on your nicest dress! Hurry!" he pushes me into the room, and closes the door behind him. I sigh and turn to the wardrobe. I open it and look around, trying to pick the best one out.

I finally pick a navy blue dress covered with polka dots. It coordinates perfectly with my light blonde hair and blue eyes. I walk out ten minutes later, dressed and makeup on. Bucky is sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. His head shoots up and a smile snaps on his face. "You look amazing.." he breathes.

"Thanks," I walk over and kiss his cheek, and I look at his tie, "Oh God, I can't think abut you leaving."

"Then don't." he whispers in my ear.

"It's hard not to," I look down at the floor, trying to avoid crying, "You're going overseas, thousands of miles away, fighting for your life, as well as others. You could die at any moment, and I hate thinking about it, but honestly, I think about it constantly. There is not a day that goes by now that I don't think about getting the letter from the war office. I am truly afraid for you. If you died, it'd be Steve and I against the world, and it wouldn't be the same without you. James, I love you so much. I couldn't bear losing you." I let hot tears fall to my cheeks.

"Please, Lizzy. Not now. I can't do this now." he backs away and puts his fingers to his temples.

"Then when, James? Please tell me when, because I certainly can't have this conversation while you're gone." I take a step back and cross my arms.

"Elizabeth, I don't want to have this because I'm afraid of it!" his voice gets a little louder, sending silencing chills through the room, "I'm terrified to leave. You, Steve, everyone. I think about dying everyday. But I'm fighting for something. For a cause. And if I die, it won't be for nothing. I'll dying knowing I was loved, and I loved back." Bucky's face was getting red, and I think tears are going to soon break through.

"Bucky," I breathe, walking up to him. We automatically engulf each other in a hug, crying on each other. "I don't want you to go." I beg.

He starts crying harder on my shoulder, which in turn makes me cry harder. We fall to the floor in a heap, not able to control ourselves. So many years we've spent together. From childhood until now, its been Bucky, Steve, and I. And our first time together as a couple, has probably been one of my best. I love him so much, and letting him go just breaks my heart.

"Hey," Bucky interrupts my thoughts, "Hey, look at me."

I look up and find a red faced, tear stained Bucky staring at me. He half smiles at me, which somewhat calms me down. "I want you to know something," he adjusts himself to be more comfortable, "I've been thinking a lot lately," he starts.

"Oh boy, that's dangerous." I giggle, calming myself even more. He laughs, shaking his head.

"Really though," he stops and takes his breath, "Lizzy, we've known each other since we were eight years old. Practically growing up together. And ever since I could remember, I've had the slightest liking for you. And the past five months, its grown into something more, so much more. You've made me into a better person, mentally and physically. I can't believe any of this ever happened, and this past year has been the greatest of my life. Okay," he stops a second, wiping his face dry, "What I'm trying to say is, Elizabeth Collins, will you marry me?"

He pulls out a little box and props up to one knee, opening it up. Inside is a small, but the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. It's simple and modern, the type of style I enjoy. I feel my heart start to race as I realize what he just said, or, in this case, asked me. My eyes open wider and I feel myself start to nod, slowly. A smile soon joins my nod, but I can't talk. I'm too excited to even say anything. Suddenly, I find a voice, and blurt out a joyous "Yes!"

Bucky's face goes from nervous to happy in a matter of seconds. He smiles wide and stands up, bringing me with him. He then picks me up and spins me around, planting kisses all over my face. I smile and laugh happily as he starts to set me down. Bucky then slides the ring on my finger, and I push my hand out, observing it. It is absolutely breath taking, I think to myself.

"James, I love you so much." I whisper, still laughing.

"I love you even more." he leans down and plants a kiss right on my lips, "Come on, lets get going to lunch." he holds his arm out and I take it, grabbing my purse as I walk out. We end up walking a few blocks away to a little diner. We eat a lunch of salad and hot dogs, then enjoy a milkshake. Chocolate, our favorite. We finish everything in about an hour, then head over to Steve's place, only to find him not there.

"Where is he?" Bucky mumbles under his breath.

"Didn't he say something about going to the movies?" I raise a brow.

"That's right," he sighs, "Come on." We scurry on over to the theater, but are stopped by a noise in the alley. Buck and I look at each other, then walk down to see what's going on.

"I could do this all day," we hear.

We get down to the end just to see Steve punched in the jaw. I gasp as he is launched into a trashcan. Bucky walks over and steps in to help.

"Hey, pick on someone your own size." The man goes to punch him, but he gets out of the way in time, and comes back, hitting his jaw. The man turns, and Bucky gives him a swift kick in the ass. The man runs down the alley, away from us. Buck turns around and walk over to Steve. I do the same. "Sometimes, I think you like getting punched." he smiles as he gets closer.

"I had him on the ropes." he breaths.

"Steve, are you okay?" I ask once I get close.

"Oh, Lizzy. Hey, yeah, I'm fine. Just a couple minor scratches. I'll be fine." he swats his hand at the air.

"How many times is this?" Bucky picks up Steve's enlistment form, "Ah, you're from Paramus now? You know it's illegal to lie on your enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey?"

"You get your orders?" Steve changes the subject.

"The one-o-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping off for England first thing tomorrow." he says with a sort of straight face.

"I should be going." he pouts.

"Come on man, my last night. We've gotta get you cleaned up."

"Why? Where are we going?" he asks. Bucky puts his arm around me.

"The future."

He hands him the newspaper he was carrying and opens it up, showing the front page of the paper. 'World Exposition of Tomorrow,' plastered right on the front. We arrive back at Steve's apartment and I hurry Steve into the kitchen. There is a large bruise on the side of his head, and dry blood on his lip. "Steve, why do you like getting punched?"

"I don't like bullies," he shrugs, "I just stand up for myself."

"Steve, after I leave, I can't pull you out of fights and save you. You'll only have my beautiful girl to save you." Buck walks over and slides his arm around my waist, planting a kiss on my cheek. I smile, then lean down and wipe the blood off his face. Steve then notices the ring on my finger.

"Bucky, you did it?" he looks up at him, smiling.

"Oh, yeah," he laughs, "Yeah, I guess I did."

"It was an intense moment when he did, but in the end it was really sweet." I smile and finish cleaning Steve's face.

"I'm so glad I caught hold of her before I left, or else she would have ended up marrying you!" Bucky jokes.

"It's not that I wouldn't, its just she's my best friend. And its pretty obvious she likes you. I wouldn't have tried anything."

"Okay you two, time to get going," Steve stands up and walks to Bucky, "We don't want to miss Howard Stark!"

"Congrats Bucky! You to Lizzy!" he pulls us into a hug, then lets go.

_ Later that night _

~

"I don't see what the problem is, you're going to be the last eligible man in New York. You know there's three and-a-half million women here?" We walk down the stairs.

"Yeah, we'll I'll just settle for one." Steve sighs.

"Hey, maybe this date will go well!" I try to cheer him up.

"Good thing I took care of that!" Bucky smiles as we walk towards two other women.

"What'd you tell her about me?" Steve questions as we get closer.

"Only the good stuff." He smiles and we greet them. As we walk around the expo, I see so many marvels. New suits, future cars, things of yesterday and today. We then end up Watching Howard Stark unveil his new flying car. "Holy cow." Bucky half smiles, staring at the car. "Hey Steve, why do we treat these girls-" he turns and stops mid-sentence.

"I know where he is," I turn and walk to the recruitment area, "Let me talk to him first." I get in and am suddenly surrounded by men, waiting to be checked out by the doctors. I walk around a little more before I finally find him walking down a hall towards a mirror-type thing. "Steve, hey, you okay?" I walk faster towards him, calling out.

"Oh-" he jumps a little, "Hey Lizzy, I was just-"

"Steve, its alright," I place a hand in his shoulder, "We were just worried about you. You disappeared and we didn't know where you went."

"I'm sorry, i just wanted to come and see, maybe try and enlist." he shrugs.

"Hey man, its a double date. You need two people." Bucky walks over and pushes Steve off the step.

"Bucky, stop-"

"You really gonna do this again?" Bucky asks.

"Well, it's a fair. I'm gonna try my luck." Steve shrugs.

"As who? Steve from Ohio? They'll catch you. Worse, they'll actually take you." Bucky and Steve move off the the side, and I stand between them.

"Look, I know you don't think I can do this-"

"This isn't a back alley, Steve. It's a war!" Bucky's voice gets louder.

"Bucky-" I try to interject.

"I know it's a war. You don't have to tell me."

"Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs."

"What am I gonna do? Collect scrap metal..."

"Steve-"

"Yes!"

"Bucky!"

" ...in my little red wagon."

"Why not?" "I'm not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky. Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That's what you don't understand. This isn't about me!"

"Right, cause you got nothing to prove..." he stops and shakes his head, looking at the ground, "Don't do anything stupid till I get back."

"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

"You're a punk." Bucky says before pulling him onto a hug.

"Are you two done acting like children yet, or do I need to wait around till you are?" I raise a brow.

"Oh, sorry. I totally forgot-"

"Save it," I stop Bucky, "Lets just forget this and go dancing. Its your last night!" Bucky grabs my hand, and we start to walk away.

"Jerk. Be careful." Steve calls out, "And don't win the war till I get there!" Bucky and I walk away and head over to where all the dancing is. That's when we get into it. We're having so much fun, and I can feel that both of us are forgetting that he leaves in the morning. That's something I know we don't want to think about. Him leaving me is like the sun dying. First very slowly, then all at once.

While we're dancing, I see Bucky constantly staring at me, smiling like a big goofball. I would just laugh and look away for a moment before looking back up at him. It starts to get later and later, then we decide to go home.

"So, tomorrow's the day.." I say as we walk down the street. I pull my coat closer around me to keep me warm.

"Oh," Bucky throws his jacket over my shoulders, and I smile, "Yeah, it is. I guess it is."

"Hey," I stop us in the middle of the sidewalk and turn him towards me, "You'll be fine."

"I'm scared," he admits, tears threatening to fall, "Lizzy I'm so scared. For you, for Steve, for me-"

"James," I stop him with a kiss, "Please, take a breath. We'll be okay. The three of us will be okay. I promise."

"You sure?" he raises a brow, trying to smile.

"Positive." I smile up at him. We lock lips as it starts to lightly rain down on us. James picks up his jacket and holds it over us, running to get home. We make it just as it starts to thunder. We end up taking showers and hopping into bed, just as the clock strikes 1:00 am. We fall asleep to the sound of each others breathing, and wake up right at 8:00 am. We change quickly and head to the docks, just as everyone else is getting there and loading their things.

It isn't much of a goodbye, really. We kiss, a lot. I shed some tears, and he tries not to. I ask him over and over if he really has to go, and it's always a yes. We then kiss one more time. It's long and passionate, then he has to get on. I watch as the ship sails away, him waving at me from the upper deck.

Soon the boat gets too far, and I can no longer see him. I turn away and walk home, tears falling. It starts to rain and I honestly don't care. I'm alone now. I continue to tell myself that everything will be okay . That he'll come home with not a scratch, and we'll get married and grow old together. And Steve will find someone and live happily with her, with kids. We'll all be happy.

_We'll all be happy._

That's what I have to think. We'll all be happy. We'll all grow old together.

But I should have known to not expect things like this.


	3. Chapter 3

_ June 21st, 1942 _

_Elizabeth Collins_

_West Brooklyn Apartments, Apt.34_

_11212_

_Brooklyn, New York, USA_

_Dear Lizzy,_

_Wow, its so different over here. I'm not used to things like this. All these people. Sickly, injured, dying. It's something I never realized I would experience. I've made a few new friends already, and it turns out we bunk by each other in the barracks. It's nice having someone to talk to when I need it. And what I talk about is, well, you. That's all they hear from me, is you. The sound of your voice, the way you smile whether there's something to smile about or not. The amazing meals you made, and desserts you prepared. How we've been best friends forever, and when you moved to Ohio. They know all that. They said it feels like they know you already. I hope you don't mind that I invited them to dinner once we get back._

_There has been so much I've seen since I got here, sight wise. I wish I could take photographs for you, so you can see. You would love every single one of them. We're moving out to a more solitary area, though. Getting out to the battlefield, and I'm so ready. How are you doing? How is Steve doing? Is Brooklyn still standing without me? Well, this is all I can write right now. I have to get going now._

_I love you so so so much, and I hope everything is well._

_Write Soon,_

_James Barnes_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all should tell. EVERYONE YIU K OW to come read this pls. Tell people you know who we're currently reading it. Find people who were. Tell them. Tell everyone. I'm such an idiot bleh
> 
> The ENTIRE thing will be posted within an hour and a half PLEASE STAND BY


	4. Chapter 4

_June 30th, 1942 _

_James Buchanan Barnes_

_107 Infantry_

_London, England_

_W11 2BQ_

 

_Dear Bucky,_

_It's great to hear from you so soon! I wasn't expecting you to write yet, not that it's a problem. Well, there isn't much you're missing here, really. I haven't seen Steve in a few days, but he said he had a few things going on, so I wasn't going to bother him. And of course your friends can come over! They're all welcome anytime!_

_There seem to be less and less men in Brooklyn anymore. More and more women seem to become sadder and sadder, so they enlist in the nursing program. I have actually signed up, and I was one of the 100 women to get accepted into the program. So this week, I'm starting training and in a few months, I'll be shipped overseas, to England. From there. I really don't know. Maybe I'll see you at some point. Who knows, really?_

_I received a letter from my cousin Lillian yesterday, and she said that my her mother, my Aunt Amelia, is sick. Very sick. She can't eat, or drink, move any part of her body at all. She relies all on Lillian. Lillian asked me to come to Vermont and help with her mom, and so I could see her before she passed away. I gladly accepted the offer, and will be heading in a couple days. Her address is 7847 N. State street, Concord, Vermont. So if you are able to write another letter, please send it there._

_I miss you._

_So much._

_Please write when you have a chance._

_I love you so much,_

_Elizabeth Collins_


	5. Chapter 5

_ August 12th, 1942 _

_Elizabeth Collins_

_7847 N. State street_

_Concord, Vermont_

_Lizzy,_

_So they've moved us to Italy. I'm not surprised, honestly. I had a feeling we weren't staying in England the entire time. I'm in an undisclosed location, so I apologize that you won't be able to reply to this. You'll have to wait until they give us the okay to tell family._

_Right now, me and three other guys are staying with this little family. Husband, wife, and two kids, boy and girl. They're so happy, always smiling and laughing, not worrying about the world around them. It got me thinking, that, maybe when I get back, you and I should just run away and go get married. We'll live in a small little town, and have two, maybe three kids. We could live in a nice big farm house, with big windows, and a tire swing on a tied to a tree out front. You can have a garden, if you want, full of whatever you want, and we'll have a radio and record player._

_You and I can go to the store and buy as many records as we can carry, and take them home and listen to every single one of them. We'll dance around the house, laughing and singing and crying to our favorites. And when I get tired, and I sit down to take a breath, you'll continue to dance, and I'll watch you from afar. I'll watch your beauty and gracefulness dance around the room, then around me, then around my heart. The heart you've managed to hold onto for so long, and hopefully forever once I'm home._

_We'll have everything we need. A happy home, wonderful children, and a love that lasts forever. I think about you everyday I'm out here, and I'll never stop. Even if I die, I'll still think about you. You are my sun and moon, my night and day. The rose that blooms in a grey garden. I'll love you till the end of time. Gosh, I'm crying just thinking about you. I stare at this picture of you and I cry. I weep sometimes. I long to hold you in my arms. To look into your beautiful blue eyes, and watch you smile and kiss the tip of my nose. I need to stop here, I'm getting way to sentimental._

_I love you so much._

_I'll write very soon._

_I love you,_

_James Barnes_


	6. Chapter 6

_ August 24th, 1942  
_ _  
James Barnes  
_ _107 Infantry  
London, England  
_ _W11 2BQ_

_Dear Bucky,_

_How horrible of me, I know. Too long without a word or anything. I've read an re-read your letter so many times, and I've been meaning to get back to you._ _Things have suddenly gotten so busy here, I can hardly keep up. I've become the woman of the house, in a sense. Lillian is so busy taking care of her mother anymore, she has no time for the house._

_I'm grateful for everything, truly, but I miss Brooklyn. I miss you more than anything. Which reminds me. I'm leaving tomorrow, and going back to Brooklyn. But only for two days. They've asked me to come in and start training earlier since so many are coming home wounded or dead. I honestly don't mind, but I'm going to miss Aunt Amelia's funeral._

_And the part of missing you? Well, I always miss you. I love you so much, and still cannot believe it's almost been a month since you've left. I miss your laugh, the way your nose crinkles just slightly when you smile, how soft your touch is, or your sweet kisses when I'm trying to rest, an how you would put a record on and lead me to dance in the middle of the living room. I miss it all so much. I miss you so much. As for Steve, well, he's gone MIA. I've written a few times, and even tried calling, but nothing. Once I get back, I'll check up. I'm so proud of you sweetheart. I cannot wait until you get home. You'll be in my thoughts, prayers, and dreams until then._

_Forever and always yours,_

_Lizzy Collins_


	7. Chapter 7

_ September 9th, 1942  _

_Elizabeth Collins  
_ _Camp Leigh  
_ _New Jersey, USA_

_Lizzy,_

_I figured I'd send you the letter straight to the camp, since it's been well over two days since you've sent the letter._

_I hope everything is alright with you and Steve. Behaving yourselves, I suppose. My unit has been so busy anymore, I haven't had time to sit down and think._

_I hope you haven't forgotten about me Lizzy, because that would be a real shame.. I know this is short, but it's the best I can do. I'll wait for your reply._

_With all my love,_

_James Barnes_


	8. Chapter 8

_ October 19th, 1942 _

_James Barnes  
_ _107 Infantry  
_ _W11 2BQ  
_ _Azzano, Italy_

_Dear Bucky,_

_I have so much to tell you. For one, Steve is alright. Well, more than alright, he is fantastic! I would love to tell you exactly what's gone on, but it isn't my place, and the fact that I've been sworn to secrecy. I also got my orders, and I was supposed to leave for England on the 17th, but that has been put aside. I was personally asked to tour with Captain America, by the man himself._

_Now, you will not have to worry about a thing. This fella is so sweet and down to Earth. He knows that I am very much engaged. And besides, he seems to have caught the eye of another dame._

_So, anyways, I start the tour in a few days. I'll send you a list of the cities we'll be in, so this way, you know where I'll be and when. Oh, I almost forgot, there might be a slight chance might get a different job. I'm still awaiting an answer. As for you, well I miss you, as always. But do not think for one second, that I have ever forgotten about you. I am completely unable to ever forget about you._

_With love,_

_Elizabeth Collins_

_~~_

I set my pen down and sigh, rubbing my temple. It's been months since James has left, and it somehow seems to get harder with each day. No matter the distraction. I hear someone come in behind me. I quickly turn around and stand up, meeting the person's eyes. I relax when I find Peggy smiling at me.

"You want to be an SSR officer?" She asks simply.

"It would be nice, yes." I reply.

"You'll need combat training, an extensive knowledge into enemy information, and ready to give your life for this country." Peggy comes closer and crosses her arms.

"That doesn't sound too hard," I shrug, "Am I in though?"

"Not yet. Colonel Phillips is still awaiting a response."

"Alrighty," I nod, glancing at the floor, "Thank you Peggy."

"How are you doing, Lizzy?" Peggy walks around by my desk and glances at the letter. She sits on the bed across from mine and no time for me to sit.

"I'm okay as one cam be during this time. It's war, and everyone's got someone out there fighting." I stare at the letter, playing with the ring around my left hand.

"Your husbands out there, isn't he?" She asks quietly.

"Fiancé. We're waiting until he comes home." I look up, a tear sliding down my cheek.

"Lizzy?" I hear a male voice behind me.

"Captain Rogers." Peggy nods.

"Ms. Carter." He smiles, then looks at me. I give him a sad smile and stand up, hugging him.

"I hope all is well Captain," Peggy smiles, "but I'm must head out. I'm leaving with the Colonel and a few other agents in a bit. I will see you both very soon." Peggy stands and hugs me. "You know," she glances at the picture of Bucky and I, "you two are quite handsome together. I hope all goes well for you both." Peggy exits the tent and Steve makes his way over, glancing at the letter. He half laughs as he reads through the letter.

"Howard says hello," he starts softly, "I think he likes you." He stifles a laugh.

"Well, Howard knows I'm engaged." I reply. Conversations have become quiet between us. With every day the war wages on, every day we fear for James. It's not something we like to talk about, but every once in a while, it comes up.

"Did they find your replacement?"

"They did, very quickly." I say, "I was given a hard time, but after a point Peggy came in and overheard, and ended up helping. There were a few other girls who were ready, but unableto go with us. So they chose one of the girls and sent them."

"That's really good, I'm glad. Having you on tour will probably help out with stress. My best friend, touring with me."

"I can't believe this happened to you Steve. You seriously lucked out with this. This- this is the chance of a lifetime, and you were so deserving of it. You should be out fighting-"

"Liz-" Steve starts.

"Steve, you know you deserve to be out by there fighting. This is why you went through the procedure. Going around and advertising bonds doesn't-"

"Elizabeth, there's noting I can do!" He cuts me off, his voice raising, "I will do what I can, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to go out and fight."

"Alright Steve." I sigh, standing up. "I've got to get this to the mail truck before it leaves. Coming?" Steve stands up and follows me out of the tent, an awkward silence overcoming us.


	9. Chapter 9

_ October 28th, 1942  _

_Elizabeth Collins  
_ _New York City, New York_

_Lizzy,_

_I didn't know an address to send this to, so I just wrote Captain America bond sales on the front. If you're reading this, that means it got to you, thankfully._

_First off, Happy Halloween darling. I miss you and Steve so much anymore. Everyday out here just seems to get worse and worse out here, and I'm just craving normality anymore._

_I crave you._

_There's not much to report from here. Death, as usual. Oh, I almost forgot. Congratulations on the possible job darling. I'm so proud of you. I hope you get it!_

_love you,_

_Bucky Barnes_


	10. Chapter 10

_ January 21st, 1943  _

_James Barnes  
_ _107 Infantry  
London, England  
_ _W11 2BQ_

_Dear James,_

_It has taken me quite a while to write back, and I deeply apologize. I've been so busy training for this new job, which I luckily managed to get. I am an official agent in the S.S.R. now, how exciting!_

_I toured with Captain America for a few months while I waited to hear back for the job, but once I found out, I left. It was rather fun, actually. The singing show girls, silly gags for the kids, all wonderful. I have the entire song memorized now, and I could probably dance to it as well!_

_Steve's doing very well. Keeping busy and whatnot. Haven't heard much from him lately, although the last time we spoke, he told me to tell you that he misses you, and cannot wait to see you again. Neither can I, darling. I love you, very much, and I miss you._

_Come home soon darling._

_Love,_

_Lizzy_


	11. Chapter 11

Rain pours down as I pull up to the base, soldiers filing out around me. I take off my coat and hold it over my head running to the tent on the other side of camp. Peggy greets me as I come up, a smile on her face. 

"Agent Collins, good to see you!" She extends her hand. I shake it quickly, smiling back. 

"You too Agent Carter." I nod. 

"Oh good, you're here," Colonel Phillips walks past, "take these and start going through them."

"Are these-"

"Yes. They need to be put in envelopes and mailed. The soldiers are gone, dead for all we know. HYDRA got to them," the Colonel sighs, shaking his head, "Get going. Carter, come with me." 

"Yes sir." I nod as they both walk away, leaving the tent. I sit down and slowly start working through the letters, filing them in envelopes. I stop and read one, my heart stopping

The 107th infantry. 

Bucky.

I drop the letters and run out into the rain. I look around and see Peggy heading towards a stage. I run after her and find not only Peggy, but Steve as well. 

I near them as their conversation ends, a "107th" slipping out of Peggys mouth. Steve looks up at her, saying something.

"Steve!" I gasp as I near him. He jumps up and hurries to me, hugging me. 

"Bucky's out there." we let go, and I nod, my heart racing. Steve runs past into the rain and back to the tent. 

"Colonel Phillips?" 

"Well, if it isn't the star spangled man with a plan. What is your plan today?" Colonel Phillips says as Steve, Peggy, and I near him. 

"I need the causality list for Rosano." Steve demands. 

"You don't get to give me orders, son." Phillips says angrily. 

"I just need one name. Sergeant James Barnes from the one-o-seventh." 

Colonel Phillips pointa at Peggy and I. "Were gonna have a conversation later that you won't enjoy."

"Please tell me if he's alive, sir. B-A-R-"

"I can spell." He look through a moment, thinking. "I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to counbutBut the name does sound familiar. I'm sorry."

Everyone goes silent for a moment. I feel tears pricking my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away. 

"What about the others, are you planning a rescue mission?" Steve asks. 

"Yeah, it's called winning the war."

"But if you know where they are- why not at least-"

"They're thirty miles behind the lines, through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We'd lose more men then we'd save, but I don't expect you to understand that because you're a chorus girl." Colonel Phillips fires at Steve, shocking us. 

Steve stands for a moment, staring. "I think I understand just fine."

"Well, then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you've got somewhere to be in thirty minutes." 

"Yes sir. I do." Steve and Peggy turn to go. I start to go as well, but the colonel stops me. 

"Not so fast Collins. We need to get these condolences done." 

I spend the next few hours working, my mind blank. All I can think about is Bucky, his corpse lying somewhere probably. Peggy comes back later on and watches me closely. 

"Steve's there." Peggy comes over once Colonel Phillips leaves after talking to me. I look at her, eyes wide. She slightly smiles gets up, walking away. 

Later on I move around the camp, checking troops and other officers. Once my talks are done, I head back to my tent. I sit on the bed an reach into the pillow case, pulling out my ring. I play with it for a while, observing it. A sudden ruckus outside pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up, curiosity coming over me. 

I make my way out and follow the crowd of men and nurses. Suddenly I see men walking up, one of whom looks like Steve. Loads and trucks full of men stream in, everyone cheering. They all crowd around them, clapping. 

"Is that-"

"The one-o-seventh? Yeah." a soldier answers. I smile and slowly push through, making my way to Steve. I get to the center and stand behind Peggy and the Colonel, smiling wide. I hear Steve and Phillips exchange a few words. He turns and leaves, looking at us both. 

I turn to the boys and my eyes widen, tears slowly starting to fall. 

"Bucky?"


	12. Chapter 12

I repeat louder, his eyes flashing to mine. Tears fall as I gasp, my hand coming over my mouth. I watch as his eyes widen, the realization setting in. I step towards him, my hand still over my mouth. 

"Elizabeth," Bucky breathes, "My God, Lizzy." 

"Hey soldier," I half smile, "How's it goin'?" 

He smiles widely as he pulls me in for a hug. "Let's hear it for Captain America!" He cheers, making the rest of the soldiers cheer. I wrap my arms around him tighter, laughing and crying. I let go and stand back, moving over and hugging Steve.

After a few minutes, everyone breaks apart, most soldiers going off to the make-shift hospital. I walk with Bucky over to the tent and get him checked out. I leave for my tent, cleaning it up a bit. I hear movement behind me, and I stop, turning around quickly. A smiling Bucky catches my eye, and I smile back. 

"You're not supposed to be in here," I smirk, walking up to him, "I'm gonna have to ask to ask you to leave." 

"Not before I get my kiss." Bucky leans down and plants his lips on mine, his arms traveling around my waist. My hands go to his head, fingers running through his hair. 

"Mm." I say as we break apart, "I can't say I didn't miss that." 

"Same here." He laughs bit. 

"Now seriously, I have to get back to work," I kiss his lips quickly, "I'll see you tonight." 

"I can't," he kisses my cheek. 

"Wait," my other,

"Until," my forehead,

"Then." He slowly kisses my lips, making my back shudder. He goes to laugh, but I hear someone outside. I quickly cover his mouth, making his eyes widen in confusion. 

"James Barnes, you will get me in big trouble. I'm going to leave now, wait until it's clear, then go. Speak to no one of you being in here. Got it?" I whisper harshly and fast. He only nods, stifling a laugh again. I remove my hand and sigh, shaking my head. I turn to go, but Bucky grabs my hand, quickly pecking it. I smile and walk out, heading to the work tent. 

I spend the rest of the day running around, only stopping when the sky is dusted pink and orange. Colonel Phillips gives us the okay, and we take our leave, heading to our tent. We Pack our things and get them in a truck, it heading to the S.S.R. base that's been set up in a major city a few miles away. 

Peggy and I receive rooms in the hotel above the base, making it our own place. We find out the boys are at a bar down the street, and get dressed up to go meet them. 

Not to long after, we reach the bar where Steve and Bucky are at, slowly making our way in. As we enter, everything gets quiet, all eyes on us. Peggy, in her red form-fitting dress that stops just before her knees, and me, in a sleeveless white shirt, covered in navy blue polka dots, with a navy blue skirt pulled up to my waist. 

We walk to the back where the bar is, and find Steve and Bucky standing there, watching us. I smile and instantly go to Bucky, wrapping him in a hug. He chuckles and pick a me up, swinging me around. I peck his lips a couple times as he sets me down, giggling like a little school girl. We exchange a few words quietly, laughing as we do. Moments later, we look over and catch the end of Steve and Peggys conversation. 

"The right partner." Peggy smiles. Steve looks down, smiling a bit. "O-eight hundred captain." 

"Yes ma'am." Steve nods. Peggy walks away, a smile on her face. Bucky and I look at each other, smirking. 

"So Steve," I move away from Bucky and walk to him, "Gonna take her on a date?" 

"Excuse me?" His face twists weirdly, making me laugh. I turn and go back to Bucky, leading him to a quiet table. 

"How are you?" He asks the moment we're seated, his face serious. 

"I'm alright. Tired, busy, a little hungry. You?"

"Better now," he sighs, "after the experimentation-"

"What experimentation?" I cut him off, raising a brow.

He squeezes his eyes shut, sighing loudly. I sit up and frown, worry coming over me. 

"After we were captured, me and a bunch of other guys were taken in and experimented on. I guess I was the only one to live. I don't know how long I was there, but Steve found me, and saved me." 

"Oh Bucky," I reach over and place my hand on his. He looks down and grabs my hand, observing it. 

"You're wearing your engagement ring." He notes. 

"Well I am engaged, aren't I?" I softly smile. 

"I can't believe we're getting married once this hell-of-a-war is over." He smiles. 

"Yeah, I know."

"And I also can't believe you didn't tell me Steve was Captain America." 

"Wasn't my place to tell!" I throw my hands up in defense. Bucky just laughs and shakes his head. 

"Come on," he grabs my hand and leads me away, "Lets go dancing." 

So we do. For the next hour, we dance around with other couples. Slow and fast songs alike, both dragging us around the floor. We get tired, so we start the walk back to the base. 

"This reminds me of a long time ago, that one walk back to my apartment after my going away party."

"I remember that. A cloudless night, crickets chirping. The most beautiful.girl I had ever seen was walking right next to me."

"Oh Bucky-"

"But I'm serious, Liz. I've liked you since the third grade."

"Oh really?" I raise a brow, slightly frowning. 

"Yeah, I know," he sighs, "I wish I'd asked you out sooner. But you had guys lining up at you door, and I didn't think I was good enough for you. That one of those guys could've given you everything you've ever wanted, and all I could give you was me." 

"James Buchanan Barnes, you are all I could ever want. You are more than that. My sun, stars, and moon. The heart beat that keeps me going. I wouldn't be me without you." I stop him and turn to face him, grabbing his hands in mine, "That day you proposed to me, I realized that I was gonna be able to call you mine, and mine alone. Someone would ask who my husband was, and I would turn and point to you."

"I love you so much," Bucky pulls me into a hug, slightly shaking from the cold weather, "more than words can describe. Thank you." 

He kisses my forehead a couple of times, "For what?" 

"Making me the happiest man on earth. I love you Elizabeth Rose Collins." Bucky kisses me slowly, making me smile as he does so.

"I love you to, James Buchanan Barnes." I whisper as we break apart. We turn back and finish the trek back to the base, walking hand in hand.


	13. Chapter 13

_ June 12th, 1943 _

_Dear Bucky,_

_A couple months have passed since you've come back. You and Steve, as well as the other commandos, have been taking down Hydra bases, and have been doing a very good job. I'm so proud of you guys. We've gone on the best dates two lovers in the army can go on. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this letter. Maybe I'll keep it, just hold onto it for a bit. Probably until after the war._

_I don't know when that will even be._

_I love you darling._


	14. Chapter 14

_ August 9th, 1943 _

_Dear Bucky,_

_Another day, another Hydra mission. about once a month, maybe twice, you got out there and fight the bad guys. I'm so damn proud of you. Keep going sweetheart._

_We went on a date last night, the first one in about two months. It was nice, pretty calm. We went to that pub and danced for a while. A very long while. You kissed me over and over, reminding me how beautiful I was. I smiled and kissed you back, reminding you how handsome and perfect you were._

_I'm praying for your safe return. Steve, you, and the resting the howling commandos._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I really only meant to delete the fifteenth chapter, and I SWEAR that's what I clicked on when I was in the chapter.   
> I really did cry a little bit when I saw it was gone.   
> But here it is, in the flesh. 
> 
> Some quick updates for yall:  
> \- this story will be completed by August first, which is eight days before my 16   
> birthday, (hence the reason I made this chapter my birthday)   
> \- this is NOT the end of Bucky and Lizzy, fun fact. If you've read 'Behind the Mask' chapter two, you'll see that.   
> \- BY THE WAY you should read 'Masquerade' and 'Behind the Mask' bc I'm proud of those too  
> \- again, please tell everyone what's happened and get this out to them. Thank you for everything you're all so kind!!! 
> 
> Ps: find me in Instagram @marvxl.trxsh and tumblr @ clixtbartxn.tumblr.com


	15. Chapter 15

_October 16th, 1944_

_Dear Bucky,_

_It's been a hectic two months. You and the rest of the boys have taken out almost all of the Hydra bases that we know of. Right now, you're preparing for a mission in the mountains. I don't particularly remember the name though. Two weeks until then. The only thing I really have to say about it is that I am truly terrified for this mission. It's unlike any other you have gone on before. You, Dum Dum, Steve, Gabe and Jacques, Pinky, and all of the other commandos will be in my thought and prayers until then._

_The other day, we had a talk about our little apartment in Brooklyn. You suggested that we move into a house before we get married, so that after we do get married, starting a family would be easier. I was weary at first, but you said we'd stay in New York, just outside the city. I ended up agreeing, and you were thrilled. Gosh, I really do love when you get excited._

_What's not to love about our apartment though? It's spacious enough, I think.._

_When you first walk in, it opens right to our living and dining area. To the right is our small table with four simple chairs, with a few pictures of us and Steve, with a vase of fresh flowers that you bring home every few weeks. To the left is the our plain old white couch, along with the matching chair. Then there's the beautiful bookshelf right along the wall, holding the dozens of books I've brought home. The record player sits just off the center, with all of our records surrounding it._

_I make it sound so much bigger than it really is, but it's home. It's where we feel most comfortable._

_Of course, it wouldn't be Brooklyn without the small kitchen. Possibly the smallest kitchen in the city! Yet, you love to come in when I'm making supper, and swing me around to some record you put on. Only a few times have we started a fire from forgetting.._

_Of all the things you dislike, the  most notable thing would have to be the ugly blue striped wall paper that runs through the entire place. Everyday you would come home and make some sort of comment about it as you took your jacket off. I would roll my eyes and laugh before coming to greet you._

_We'll find a good home Bucky. We'll make it our own, with a little family and all. Just you wait._

_We'll live happily ever after._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've slowly been putting together playlists for my stories and so far this one is the only story to have a finished playlist. I usually try to listen to it while I'm writing to help me get a feel for the time period. Follow me if ya like!
> 
> here's a link to my profile:  
> https://play.spotify.com/user


	16. Chapter 16

_ November 27th, 1944 _

_Dear Bucky,_

_It seems to be that time. You're leaving for one of your last mission with Steve and the boys. You all have come so far along from when you first stared, and I couldn't be more proud of you all._

_It's currently the night before, and you want to take me down to the pub for dancing and drinks, to which I happily agreed, as did the rest of the boys. As I glance at my watch, I realize it's about that time._

_I shall continue later._

_~~_

I set down my pen just as a knock is heard on my door. I walk over and open it, finding a uniform-clad Bucky standing there. 

"Good evening soldier." I smile, stifling a laugh. 

"Good evening. Would you happen to be miss Elizabeth Collins?" He smiles, clamping his hands together behind his back.

"I might be, depends on who's asking." I wink. 

"Well, that would be her fiance." 

"Well you sir, are in luck. It just so happens that I am miss Elizabeth Collins. Now, am I gonna get my kiss?" I laugh, reaching my arms around Bucky's neck. He just laughs in response, planting his lips on mine. We share a moment of passion in the doorway, just the two of us. It feels like nothing's going on and life is simply blissful. 

"Come on doll, we have a date to go on." He breaks apart, grabbing my hips. 

"Alright, let me go grab my things." I turn and run back to my chair, grabbing my coat. Bucky steps in and walks around, observing everything. I snatch the letter and hide it at the last second, avoiding the topic for now. 

We exit the building and head out to the town for a while, enjoying the sights and sounds. Christmas is slowly approaching, and trees and music fill the air. We all drink and dance the night away, careful to avoid any mishaps.

"I still cannot believe this beautiful dame is marrying you, Barnes!" Dum-Dum laughs, gesturing to me.  I blush, glancing over at Bucky.

"You and me both Dugan, you and me both." He laughs, throwing his head back. "I am seriously the luckiest man on Earth."

"Hey you," I lean over close to him, making the mood seirous for a moment, "I love you."

"I love you more." He says just before sliding his hand behind me neck, pulling my lips to his. The table erupts in cheers as we continue to kiss, everyone hootin' and hollerin' at us. We laugh as we break apart, earning clapping from the guys. I grab Bucky's hand and pull him towards the music. We swing and dance for the next hour, everyone joining us. The night end's around 11:30 pm, since they need a goo night's rest before the mission. 

 "Are you sure you have to go?" I say as I finish buttoning up Bucky's jacket outside the pub, fog escaping my mouth. 

"Yes sweetie, I'm sure." He leans down and pecks me cheek, reassuring me. "Why are you so worried about this mission? It's just like the rest."

"You know me, I always worry. And this one is different. It's November, and everything's cold and slippery and-" Bucky cuts me off by kissing me, slowly leaning into me. 

"Come on worry-wart, time to get you in bed. It's been a long day." Bucky grabs my hand and leads me back to my room, the cold air nipping at my hands until we reach the building. We make our way up, and Bucky starts to say goodnight, but I stop him. 

"Why?" he asks.

"I want you to see something." I say, pulling him into my room. I sit him at the desk and turn to my night stand. I open the drawer and pull out my letters. I turn to him and slowly walk over, setting them down in front of him. He picks up the one on top, reading over it carefully. Once he finishes, he turns to me.

"Do you write a letter each time before I leave?" He questions.

I nod, avoiding eye contact. He sighs, standing up and walking to me. "Lizzy, you know how much I love you, right?" 

"Of course I do," I look up at him, smiling, "And I love you just as much."

"I will always come back to you, Elizabeth. I promise, with all I can muster, that I will  _always_ come back to you." he props down on one knee, grabbing my hands in his. "Tomorrow will be fine, we'll all come back safe."

"I can't help but worry, you know me-"

"I do, but just for now, for tonight, don't. Please." He pleads with me, forcing tears to my eyes. 

It takes a few moments before I finally nod, agreeing with him. He stands us up and pulls me into a hug, tears falling onto his shoulder. "I love you so much.." I whisper.

"I love you more. More than anything." he pulls back and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Come on now, don't cry doll face." 

"I don't mean to." I laugh, wiping the tears away.

"I know. Now time for you to get some rest. You need to send me- I mean us off in the morning. Alright?" He raises a brow, smiling at me. 

"Yes, I know." I lean forward and kiss him slowly, ever so passionately. After a moment we break apart, and Bucky bids me a goodnight. I quickly get ready for bed and go to finish my letter from earlier. 

~~

_'I will always come back to you.' That's what you told me earlier. The moment you said it my heart fluttered because I knew. I knew that what you were saying was true, that you would always be here, and you would always come back to me. That you really, truly, love me. I smile every time I think of it, in all honesty. You make me feel like  queen, like I'm the only girl in the world. You called yourself the luckiest man in the world earlier, because Dum-Dum said he couldn't believe I was marrying you._

_Soon enough Bucky, soon we'll be one. I can't wait, and I don't think you can either. Until next time.._

_~~_

I sleep soundlessly through the night, waking up at the crack of dawn. I quickly shower and dress, heading down do the make-shift office in the basement.  I say goodbye to Bucky, Steve, and the rest of the boys. Howard flies them into a safe zone, and for the rest of the day we hear nothing about the mission. Somewhere in the middle of the day, we go through an air-raid, all activities halting until further notice. After the raid, Peggy and I go out to observe the damage. 

Many homes and businesses on the street are destroyed, fires burning everywhere. People are screaming and crying. We get permission to help the town. Night slowly comes, and everything seems to have calmed down. Peggy and I trek back to the office, only to find everyone rushing around. 

"They got Zola!" 

"Where did Captain Rogers go?"

"When did he die?" 

Someone died? I rush around, looking for the boys. Finally I spot Jim and Gabe standing together, talking softly. 

"Hello gentlemen. How is everyone?" I raise a brow, looking between them. They stop and look at me, sorrow on their faces. 

"She doesn't know, does she?" Gabe asks Jim, who just shakes his head slowly. 

"What don't I know, Gabe?" my heart rate starts to speed up, fearing the worst. 

"Barnes is dead." 


	17. Chapter 17

"Miss Elizabeth, can you hear me?" Jim waves a hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention. I notice, but I don't acknowledge him. I feel tears falling, soaking my cheeks. "Lizzy?" He calls again.

"He what?" I choke out. 

"He died during the mission. Fell off the train." Gabe says quietly, "I'm so sorry for your loss."   

I turn away and start heading to a secluded part of the bunker, tears falling down my cheeks. My heart starts pounding hard, suddenly making it hard to breathe. I start to choke and fall to the floor, clutching my chest. Wheezing and crying, I watch as the room starts to spin. A good five minutes passes, and I feel the tears slowly start to stop. I take another five minutes to calm and compose myself. I slowly tread back to where everyone is, and find Colonel Phillips walking towards me.

"Agent Collins, you are relieved of duty for the rest of the night." He says quickly, sad in a sort of way.

"Sir, I'll be fine-"

"No, I don't want to hear it, Go. I'll see you here first thing in the morning." He nods. I salute him and turn away, walking towards the stairs. "I'm sorry for your loss." He calls out. I stop in my tracks, a lump forming in my throat. 

"Thank you, sir." I nod, half turning to face him. 

"I'll have his things up to your room later this evening." I hear him say. He says more, but it becomes blocked by the sounds of my tears. Well into the night, I cry my heart out. Every last tissue and hankie is used. It isn't until well after one I realize Bucky's things had never come up. I sigh and stand up, walking to the door. Opening it, my feet collide with something. I gasp as a box is knocked over, things spilling. I collapse in a heap as more tears fall, Bucky's things scattered around me. I slowly start sifting through things, finding things like pictures, dog tags, and all these other little knick knacks he took over with him just before he left. 

As I put everything away, I notice a large lump underneath some raggedy old clothing.  I pull it out and find letters.  _Our_ letters. The ones that span over a year, maybe even longer. I pick everything up and carry it back into my room, tossing it onto my bed. I pull each letter out one by one, reading every word and committing it to memory. 

' _And the part of missing you? Well, I always miss you. I love you so much, and still cannot believe it's almost been a month since you've left. I miss your laugh, the way your nose crinkles just slightly when you smile, how soft your touch is, or your sweet kisses when I'm trying to rest, an how you would put a record on and lead me to dance in the middle of the living room. I miss it all so much. I miss you so much.'_ I get up and head to my drawer pulling out my letters from him. I re-read the letters between the two of us in order, tears just filling my eyes with each word. One from him stuck out in particular that just sent chills through my body.

' _It got me thinking, that, maybe when I get back, you and I should just run away and go get married. _We'll live in a small little town, and have two, maybe three kids. We could live in a nice big farm house, with big windows, and a tire swing tied to a tree out front.'_  _I laugh at the thought, remembering myself dreaming about it the second I saw that sentence. 

' _You and I can go to the store and buy as many records as we can carry, and take them home and listen to every single one of them. We'll dance around the house, laughing and singing and crying to our favorites. And when I get tired, and I sit down to take a breath, you'll continue to dance, and I'll watch you from afar. I'll watch your beauty and gracefulness dance around the room, then around me, then around my heart. The heart you've managed to hold onto for so long, and hopefully forever once I'm home._

_We'll have everything we need. A happy home, wonderful children, and a love that lasts forever. I think about you everyday I'm out here, and I'll never stop. Even if I die, I'll still think about you. You are my sun and moon, my night and day. The rose that blooms in a grey garden. I'll love you till the end of time.'_

"Oh Bucky," I start, talking to the void around me, "Why?" 

The only answer I get is the sound of silence. I stare at the chair at my desk, imagining Bucky sitting there, exactly how he was just a little over twenty four hours ago. 

"You promised you would come back. You  _promised!_ " I shout at the chair angrily, "You lied to me! I trusted you James. I trusted  you when you said you would always come back to me. I actually believed that! And now here I am, crying in my room at one in the morning, over  _your_ death.  _I trusted you James!_ "" I scream, picking up my pillow and throwing it across the room. Soon more things start flying around, and then my room is destroyed.

"You lied!" I scream, falling to the floor. I cry a little bit more as I feel drowsiness overcome me. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to a pounding on my door, and a screaming Peggy. I jump up and stumble over, opening it to find her scared face.

"Elizabeth, you look terrible." She says quickly, giving me a quick once over. I just nod, moving out of the way so she can come in. She steps in slowly, observing the mess that was once my room. 

"I'm sorry about all this," I close the door quietly, turning back and facing the room. She's staring at some of the letters scattered on my bed. "Last night was really rough." 

"I'm so sorry Lizzy," Peggy turns around and pulls me into a hug, " I know how much you both loved each other." 

"Thank you," I let a few tears fall on her shoulder, " That means a lot." 

"Come here," she lets go and sits me down on the bed. "Your soldier wouldn't want you sulking around, would he? Of course he wants you to mourn him, but I'm sure he would want you and Steve to-" 

"Wait, Steve!" I jump up, running around me room. I start to clean myself up, making myself presentable. 

"Lizzy, what are you doing?" She asks.

"I have to go find Steve. He has to be hurting just as bad as I am. We were all best friends. I can't just leave him by himself. I'm sorry but I have to go Peggy." I grab a coat, mittens, and hat, and scramble out of the room. I run out and head down the street, stepping on rubble and ashes. At some point a rock gets knocked up and scrapes my knee. I wince in pain but continue on, trying to get to the bunker. A few minutes later I'm there, running about. I find Steve in a more secluded part of the bunker, his eyes slightly red and puffy.

"Steve.."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note:  
> I know I haven't updated this in a very long!! I know it's not as long as usual!! I am SO SORRY!!!! I promise, I want this done BEFORE the end of the year, which seems like its still far away but its NOT! BLEH!


	18. Chapter 18

Life is torturous. It's full of ups and downs. Personal hell's and safe havens. We all come upon a moment when we are left with nothing. Beaten, broken, bruised, looking as though hell swallowed you and decided to spit you back up. Then there's the emotional part. Sadness, happiness, depression, anger, emptiness. There's either one big mixture, or one single speck. Mentally, it fucks you up. No doubt about it. It can fuck you up in either a good way, or a bad way, though I don't know what a good way would be. 

It's been seven years since I've lost both Bucky and Steve. Now I know what you're thinking, "Where's the rest of the story?" Truth is, you already know what happens.

Seven damn years since hell took over my life. Granted, I've found love and happiness with another, I can't get over it. I mean, who could? Such traumatic experiences that affected me in such drastic ways. I, as well as you, expected Bucky to survive, to come home from that mission. It was expected for us to go back to Brooklyn, to get married, start a family, be the picture perfect family. But, as you can tell, that didn't happen. 

And Steve, oh poor Steve. What a kind, pure soul. So innocent, so caring. 

~~I realize now that some things could have gone differently. The way I treated some people, the way I acted in front of others.~~  

I regret a lot. There were so many thing's I should have said. So many thing's I could have done. I could have been less of an ass before Bucky left for his last mission. I feel like its all my fault.

~~It _IS_ all my fault.~~  

No, Steve told me not to blame myself. I wasn't even there. So there, it wasn't me. 

Good.

In all honesty, I don't remember why I'm writing this letter. Maybe to let something go? 

Oh, this letter is to Bucky, right. 

~~_'Dear James'_~~  No, too formal. 

~~_'Dear Buck'_~~  Steve called him that.

_'Dear Bucky,'_  Good start. 

' _It's been a long time, a very long time. Seven years. My first letter to you in seven god damn years. The war's over, we won. Steve died. He's now in the arctic somewhere. Peggy and I started working for the SSR in New York._

_I met a guy. He's nothing like you, at all. But I still love him, but not the way I loved you. He's from France. He actually took me there last spring, and proposed to me one evening. I accepted. We're getting married in four months._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_I hate you._

_I miss you._

_Come back. Wake me up from this cursed nightmare._

_I hated you, for a long while. You left me, alone. I had Steve, but not for long. I hated him too. I got over that quicker than I did you._

_God, I'm all over the place. I can't think straight while writing this. There's just so much to say, but so little paper. So little time. Sometimes I dream of you. It's nice, really. I can hold you, feel your warmth._

_But I can't hear your voice. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember your voice. I cry about that a lot._

_Damn everything._

_This is seriously the first time in seven years since I've done this. I have every letter between you and I from before. I read them all the time. Xavier understands. He lost a few people in the war as well, and sometimes go through the same things as me._

_We've really helped each other._

_I think you would really like him. Unless you sent him to me on purpose, just so I had a chance._

_If you did, thank you. If not, thank you anyways. You've helped me with a lot. As a matter of fact, its been a couple dozen things. Ever since we were children, you've helped. SO thank you._

_I really do love you still, but I think I'm ready to let you go for good. To pack away the dog tags, the letters, every picture and record. I have to._

_I can't keep doing this to myself._

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

_Help me this one last time. Help me let go._

_Great, now I'm crying._

_I have to lose you. Goodbye Bucky, my old friend. My old lover._

_James Buchanan Barnes, my darling departed, you were my old life. Goodbye to you._

_Sincerely, your old life, wife, lover, and heart breaker.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays! Hope everyone is doing well. I decided to give you all a lil gift, this chapter! Let me know what you think please :)


	19. Chapter 19

_June 12th, 2004_

 

"Grandmama, what are we doing up here?" Ashlynn huffs, wiping sweat off her forehead.   
  
"We're here to get a few things to take back to the house." I say calmly, 'we shouldn't be too long dear."  
  
"What exactly are we looking for? Pictures? Curtains?" 

"Just look around, if you see pictures, grab them. Records, curtains, or any other sort of memorabilia, go ahead and grab it. I'm sure grandpa would be thrilled to see it again. I know I would."   
  
"Alright, alright." She sighs, glancing around the messy attic. She then looks at me and nods, moving to the other side of the attic. For the next few hours, we go at it, emptying drawers and boxes, recycling old papers and tapes. After some time, we stop and take a small lunch break. Once we go back to working, Ashlynn stops, plopping down on the floor. 

"Dear, what are you doing?" I slowly set down a box, pain surging through my arms. I wince as I walk over, glancing over her shoulder. 

"Who's James?" She questions. 

"Who?" I raise a brow.

"Here," she pulls an old stool out for me, and I sit down. Piled in front of her is dozens of letters, pictures, and other small memorabilia. I grab a few and study them, trying to remember the meaning.

"Oh my, I can't believe this." I say quietly.

"Grandmama, who is this?" 

"Someone who is long gone." I sigh, "He's been gone from my life for decades." 

 " _So they've moved us to Italy. I'm not surprised, honestly. I had a feeling we weren't staying in England the entire time. I'm in an undisclosed location, so I apologize that you won't be able to reply to this. You'll have to wait until they give us the okay to tell family."_

"What are you doing?" I stop her. 

"Reading the letter out loud?" She raises a brow. "It's cute, and I love the mushy crap."

"Oh, fine." I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.

_"Right now, me and three other guys are staying with this little family. Husband, wife, and two kids, boy and girl. They're so happy, always smiling and laughing, not worrying about the world around them. It got me thinking, that, maybe when I get back, you and I should just run away and go get married. We'll live in a small little town, and have two, maybe three kids. We could live in a nice big farm house, with big windows, and a tire swing on a tied to a tree out front. You can have a garden, if you want, full of whatever you want, and we'll have a radio and record player."_

"You know, I think I still have the records, as well as the player."

_"You and I can go to the store and buy as many records as we can carry, and take them home and listen to every single one of them. We'll dance around the house, laughing and singing and crying to our favorites. And when I get tired, and I sit down to take a breath, you'll continue to dance, and I'll watch you from afar. I'll watch your beauty and gracefulness dance around the room, then around me, then around my heart. The heart you've managed to hold onto for so long, and hopefully forever once I'm home."_

_'We'll have everything we need. A happy home, wonderful children, and a love that lasts forever. I think about you everyday I'm out here, and I'll never stop. Even if I die, I'll still think about you. You are my sun and moon, my night and day. The rose that blooms in a grey garden. I'll love you till the end of time. Gosh, I'm crying just thinking about you. I stare at this picture of you and I cry. I weep sometimes. I long to hold you in my arms. To look into your beautiful blue eyes, and watch you smile and kiss the tip of my nose. I need to stop here, I'm getting way to sentimental."_

"Grandma, this is beautiful. How long were you two together?" She sets the letter down gently. 

"Almost a year, but we knew each other from grade school. Him, Steve and I." I sigh, shaking my head. 

"You really loved him, huh?" 

"Yes, I really did."

"How did he die?"

"Killed in action." 

"Oh." She says shortly. I get up and turn away, going back to my business. I hear silence from her side for a long time. I turn back and see her still reading those letters. 

"Ashlynn, put those away! I did not bring you up here to dally around." I sigh, walking over to her and placing my hands on my hips.

"But grandma-"

"No buts!" 

"Don't you want to read them?!" She stands up. I can see tears welling in her eyes.

"No, I don't!"

"Why not?"

"Because he's gone! Ashlynn hes gone. He is dust now, gone to the heavens. He fell off of a train and died, that simple." I throw my hands up, "I cannot sit here and dwell on the past. He is my past, plain and simple. You, your siblings, your cousins, your mother and your aunts and your uncles, your grandfather, they are my present and my future. They have been for a very long time. Why are you so obsessed with those damn letters anyways?" 

"Because they're history. They're your history. And it's encouraging to other people like me, who aren't in love. That maybe one day we can all find love like this one day." 

"I should've burned those long ago." I glance over at the box, shaking my head. I turn and head for the stairs, going down. 

"Where are you going?" She calls out.

"To sit for a while. You've tired me out." 

I hear her scoff and I softly smile. I get to the couch and lay down, closing my eyes. As I drift off, visions and memories bombard my thoughts. 

~ 

_"I still cannot believe this beautiful dame is marrying you, Barnes!" Dum-Dum laughs, gesturing to me.  I blush, glancing over at Bucky._

_"You and me both Dugan, you and me both." He laughs, throwing his head back. "I am seriously the luckiest man on Earth."_

_"Hey you," I lean over close to him, making the mood seirous for a moment, "I love you."_

_"I love you more." He says just before sliding his hand behind me neck, pulling my lips to his. The table erupts in cheers as we continue to kiss, everyone hootin' and hollerin' at us._

_~_

_Many homes and businesses on the street are destroyed, fires burning everywhere. People are screaming and crying. We get permission to help the town. Night slowly comes, and everything seems to have calmed down. Peggy and I trek back to the office, only to find everyone rushing around._

_"They got Zola!"_

_"Where did Captain Rogers go?"_

_"When did he die?"_

_Someone died? I rush around, looking for the boys. Finally I spot Jim and Gabe standing together, talking softly._

_"Hello gentlemen. How is everyone?" I raise a brow, looking between them. They stop and look at me, sorrow on their faces._

_"She doesn't know, does she?" Gabe asks Jim, who just shakes his head slowly._

_"What don't I know, Gabe?" my heart rate starts to speed up, fearing the worst._

_"Barnes is dead."_

_~_

_He pulls out a little box and props up to one knee, opening it up. Inside is a small, but the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. It's simple and modern, the type of style I enjoy. I feel my heart start to race as I realize what he just said, or, in this case, asked me. My eyes open wider and I feel myself start to nod, slowly. A smile soon joins my nod, but I can't talk. I'm too excited to even say anything. Suddenly, I find a voice, and blurt out a joyous "Yes!"_

_~_

_Soon the boat gets too far, and I can no longer see him. I turn away and walk home, tears falling. It starts to rain and I honestly don't care. I'm alone now. I continue to tell myself that everything will be okay . That he'll come home with not a scratch, and we'll get married and grow old together. And Steve will find someone and live happily with her, with kids. We'll all be happy._

_We'll all be happy._

_That's what I have to think. We'll all be happy. We'll all grow old together._

_But I should have known to not expect things like this._

I suddenly wake, my face wet. I start wiping away the substance, only then realizing it's my tears. 


	20. Chapter 20

_June 1st, 2017_

"And now, today, on the first day of June, we say goodbye to our dearly departed. A beloved wife, mother, and grandmother. Elizabeth was a beautiful soul, known by many in this community, and her community in France as well. She touched all of us in some way or another, changing our lives for the greater..."

Rain starts to fall as we all stand around the plot, waiting to lower her in. Around me stands Steve, Bucky, Sam, Clint, Wanda, and Scott. Umbrellas start flying up as people panic, not wanting to get wet. I elect to ignore it, letting it drench me. 

"Ashlynn, please take this." Bucky whispers, handing me an umbrella. I grab it loosely and sigh, tears running down my already wet face. In twenty minutes time, the ceremony ends, and everyone slowly starts to head to their cars, saying goodbye to one another. At some point, I'm left alone. I walk up and look down, seeing her casket one last time. I drop the umbrella and fall to my knees, my body violently shaking. Noise is coming out of my mouth, but I can't make it out.

After what seems like a lifetime, a pair of arms scoop me up, taking me away. I look up and see a soaking wet Bucky looking solemnly at me. I bury my face in his chest and continue to cry. He sets me in the back of a car with Wanda, who wraps me in a blanket and pulls me close to her, sort of rocking me. Clint drives the two of us back, while the other four ride in a separate car. No sooner do we arrive at her old house, the one she and Grandpa lived in before moving to France. 

I lean against the window and stare at the house, my tears silently falling. Bucky comes back and grabs me once again, taking me swiftly into the house. They find the first couch and lay me down, covering me in blankets. I drift off, and wake up to darkness. Rain hits the windows like bullets, thunder and lightning accompanying it.

"This is the first time she's broken down since she passed." I hear Sam say.

"I haven't seen her this way in a long time." Clint sighs.

"I'm worried." Wanda announces. The rest murmur, agreeing with her. 

"Give her time." 

I sit up and walk to the window, moving the curtains. Lightning flashes, thunder shakes the house. 

"Ash?" Bucky walks up behind me. I turn to him, my lips curved downwards. "Are you feeling any better?"

I shake my head and turn back, watching the plants outside violently shake. I suddenly remember a couple letters that had been given to me from my aunts. I shove my hand in my pocket and pull out the soggy, tattered mess. One is to me, and one is to Bucky. I turn and hand it to him, letting him process what I have just given him. 

He shakes his head, moving it back to me. "Read it to me instead?" 

I nod and grab it from him, slowly ripping it open. The room goes silent as I start to unfold it, clearing my throat.

" _Dear Bucky,_

_When this finally gets to you, I will already be long gone. To start, I wanted to thank you. You changed my life in so many different ways. You taught me kindness, and courage, and hope, and above all, love. Unconditional love. Something that, before then, I hadn't known._

_Thank you for that._

_Secondly, thank you for your friendship. If you and I hadn't met, I don't know what my life would've been like. Both you and Steve truly helped me, and for that, I am eternally grateful. You two were, and still are, my best friends, and I am so honored to know you both._

_For so long, you were my everything. When we were younger, and together, you were all I ever talked about. All I ever thought or dreamed about. You were a gift from God and I thanked him every day, for the miracle he granted me. That frigid day all those years ago, passing by each other. I still think about that every day. It makes me smile. I've even thought about what would've happened if I hadn't stopped you. Anything could've happened. But I don't regret stopping you. Nor do I regret loving you. In fact, as I currently write this, I am still in love with you. And as you read this letter as well, I am in love with you. I still care and think and dream about you, and all the memories we made and shared._

_Thank you for taking a chance with me all those years ago. Thank you for never giving up on us, even towards the end. And above all, thank you for loving me._

_Now it is time for my sun to set, and I shall rest at peace, knowing you will get this._

_Yours truly,_

_Elizabeth Collins."_

 

~

 

"Nothing can prepare us for death. We all know it's coming, but yet we never expect it. We all just trick our minds into thinking that these people, these things, will be around forever, but they won't. It is currently inhumanly possible for this to happen. And all we're left with are the memories. Pictures scattered around, maybe a few videos. But hearing their voice again will never happen, nor will the feel of their hand against yours. Laughing at a joke they said, or staying up late to have a conversation with them. We take advantage of the time spent with them, and curse them for leaving us. We cry, we punch, we scream, we curse. We let out dozens of different emotions, but always end up at heartbreak. Always getting our hearts broken. So take it. Take it how it is or not it doesn't matter. Glue it to your brain or shove it down your throat. "

"Death is inevitable. We just have to accept that."

 

 

_fin._


End file.
